Practical jokes gone wrong

Posted on Sun Mar 18, 2018 @ 12:31am by Lieutenant JG Jacob Hartley

Mission: Falling Star
Location: Deck 16
Timeline: MD 32, 1400 Hours

"If you tell me that things could be worse once more, I swear I'm going to actually kill you." Crewman Robert Scott, better known as Bob, said, glaring at his work partner, Crewman William Matthews, known as Bill. Bob, of course, hated the nickname Bill and Bob, but it had stuck. They had been friends for years, of course, but he still hated it.

"We're alive, we're comfortable, we get good food, and get to see some cool stuff." Bill replied, not looking up from the toilet he was scrubbing with a sponge.

"Yes, and we're doing a job that should be done by the bloody computer, because of you and your idea of a practical joke. We're lucky Lt. JG Valdez was willing to overlook what you did and not press the matter with the Captain, and that he calmed down Ensign Ackerly." Bob replied, glaring at his friend. He thought back to the meeting.

*****
(Three hours earlier)

Standing to attention in the Security Office, in front of Lt. JG Valdez in the security office, Bob was finding it difficult to remain at attention and not hit his friend. Okay, he had been there, but he had tried to stop Bill from doing something stupid. "As I understand it, you played a rather embarrassing and unpleasant practical joke on a much loved member of the crew." Valdez said, glaring at them.

"Not true sir, we played a joke on Ensign Ackerly." Bill replied. Bob wanted to sink into the ground.

"Not the time for smart talk. So, who wants to tell me what happened?" Valdez asked, glaring at them.

"We just...wanted him to admit that he was a git." Bill replied.

"If I may sir?" Bob replied.

"No, you may not." Valdez replied. "You, deciding you wanted to loosen his lips, broke into his quarters, and reprogrammed his replicator to add truth serum to his morning coffee. When he got on duty, you then asked him what he was keeping secret, hoping to embarrass him, whereby he proceeded to confess that he and his wife had been dressing up as the Commodore and pretending to be her CO, with her pretending to be Commander Weisz, before berating his colleagues and saying how he had dressed as an old character called Spiderman to seduce his supervisor." Valdez said. Bob finally couldn't hold it back.

"Permission to snigger, sir?" Bob asked.

"Denied." Valdez replied angrily.

"May have to snigger anyway, sir." Bob replied. He and Bill bowed their heads, sniggering softly. Valdez ignored them.

"Do either of you have anything to say?" Valdez asked.

"Just that he's a smarmy git, sir." Bill replied.

"Stow it. You're lucky he isn't pressing charges. But for your insolence, the refreshers need cleaning. Unfortunately, five decks worth of lavatory cleaning systems aren't working, so you're going to clean every lavatory by hand. And I'd better not hear anything else of this, or any other practical joke. Next time, I'll be going straight to the Commodore." Valdez replied. "Now get out."

*****

"Oh, come on, you laughed as well." Bill replied.

"I tried stopping you, remember?" Bob replied. "I should have asked for a transfer."

"You've been threatening that for ages." Bill said.

"Just shut up and get cleaning." Bob said, getting back to scrubbing angrily.